Cynical Thoughts

Ads in Bills
Have you ever noticed they put ads in with your bills now? Here's a way to get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write on the bill, "Could you throw this away for me, thank you."

Answering Machine
Did you ever hear those corny positive messages on someone's machine? "Hi, it's a great day, and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'share the love', beep".
"Uh, yeah...the is the VD clinic calling. Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love."

Morning Differences
Men and women are truly different in the morning. The men wake up aroused. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "how can he want me the way I look in the morning?"
It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near the optic nerve.

Blinded By Science

Probability Theory
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of freeway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's greatest literary works in braille.

Bio-Mechanics
Why yawning is contagious: We yawn to equalize the pressure on our eardrums. This pressure change outside our eardrums unbalances other people's eardrum pressures, so they yawn to equalize their pressure.

Symbolic Logic
Asian countries are technologically underdelveloped because thay have no alphabet and, subsequently, cannot use acronyms and abbreviations to communicate at a faster rate.

Perpetual Motion
Deforestation may cause the earth to spin faster. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases as the arms are brought in closer to the body, the cutting of trees may cause our planet to do the same.

Linguistics
The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in antoher. For exapmle, whan a Bostonian 'pahks his cah', the lost 'r's migrate south, causing a Texan to 'warsh his car and invest in 'erl' wells.

other MNA's

Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace
Hale Business Systems
Mary Kay Cosmetics
Fuller Brush
W.R. Grace

Poly Warner Crackers
Polygram Records
Warner Records
Keebler Crackers

Honey Im Home
Honeywell
Imasco
Home Depot

Knott NOW
Knott's Berry Farm
National Organization for Women

Healthy Eating

Eat more meat, fruits & vegetables
You must grasp logistical inefficiences. What does a cow eat? Hay, corn and grass. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than a mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.

Beer & wine are good for you
It goes back to the earlier point about fruits & vegetables. Science divides everything into 3 categories: animal, mineral, vegetable. Beer & wine are not "animal", and they are not on the periodic table of elements, which leaves only one thing. So have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

Fried foods making a comeback
You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oils. How could getting more vegetables be bad for ytou?

The secret to healthy eating
Thicker gravy

Family Politics

Dad is the head of the family, he represents the president...
Mom is the administrator of the money, she represents the government...
Their job is to take care of the kids, they represent the people...
The nanny represents the working class...
Baby Brother represents the Future...

Later the evening...

Baby Brother is crying because he has spoiled his diaper...
Mother is sound asleep...
Father is in bed with the nanny...

Bottom line:
The president is scewing the working class
while the government is sound asleep
The people are being ignored,
and the future is in deep shit.

Christmas thought

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child or pet actually look like a reindeer.

MNA Mania

New York -- MCI-WorldCom and Banc One-Chase Manhattan merged in a blockbuster $112 billion deal Monday forming the world's largest telecommunications/banking company and reducing the number of existing corporations to six.

"This is an exciting move for both companies," said Donald Cosgrove, CEO of MCI-WorldCom, whose subsidiaries include SBC-Ameritech, Bell Atlantic-NYNEX and McDonnell Douglas. "As a result of this historic merger, we should be in much better position to consolidate vast amounts of wealth and power in the coming years."

The other five remaining corporations are: Daimer-Chrysler, Monsanto-American Home Products, Shearson-Lehman-Chemical-Citicorp-Travelers Group, Paramount-Viacom-ABC-Disney, and Lockheed-Northrup-Boeing-Pepsico.

According to Forbes managing Editor Russell Belanger, at the current rate of mergers, there will be only one corporation in the world by 2010.

"The six remaining corporations have shown great interest in merging with each other," Belanger said. "Clearly, the stage is being set for the long-discussed creation of UniCorp, a $92 trillion corporation that produces every product on earth, from Canned yams, to basketballs to poison gas."

George Bush, chief executive of U.S. Government, a division of MCI-WorldCom, praised Monday's merger as "an excellent move."